


That's Why I love You

by Hellaphandom



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Cute, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 04:29:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7028623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellaphandom/pseuds/Hellaphandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan gains weight and feels insecure about his body. Phil comforts him. Fluff ensues</p>
            </blockquote>





	That's Why I love You

**Author's Note:**

> This story hits really close to home for me, and I drew a lot from my own experiences for the first half of the fic. Any and all input would be great!

**That’s why I love you**

Dan hates seeing himself naked. It just reminds of how unfit he is, and somehow it has the power to ruin even the best days. Today is one of those days. Looking at his slightly protruding gut and feeling his thighs touch makes Dan feel sick, and he wonders if it’s possible for him to ever feel good about himself. No amount of weight loss would ever make him feel good enough, especially with the entire internet critiquing his every curve and edge.

When he was 18, Dan stopped eating for a while and got scarily thin. Quickly, it got bad enough that he didn’t feel like he could swallow anything without throwing up, and he just accepted that every night he would go to bed with an empty stomach, because maybe in the morning he would feel better…. But he never did.

For a long time, nobody noticed. Dan got away with saying that he had a big lunch so that he didn’t have to stomach a real dinner. The thought of swallowing food was too much and panic attacks followed a lot of meals. Dan’s hands began to shake, and his skin became even paler than usual. Soon he could easily see his ribs through his skin. For a while it was all easy to hide, baggy sweatshirts and concealer go a long way when people aren’t looking too closely. Some secrets, however, are not meant to be kept forever.

Phil found out first, and the conversation brought tears, panic attacks and lots of coaxing to eat during every meal that followed. Phil brought Dan whatever foods he thought that he could stomach, no matter how strange or expensive. Some days all Dan could keep down was ice cream… Other days all he ate was cucumber slices. Slowly, over the next year, Phil helped Dan gain back the weight that he lost until his skin regained color and his hands stopped shaking.

That was five years ago.

Today, Dan is stood in his bed room staring at the extra weight that has accumulated throughout the last few months, and he finds himself having similar thoughts to his teenage years. On one hand he knows that he can’t stop eating because of the health risks, _but what if he just ate a little less….?_ **NO!** He can’t be thinking like this again! He’s finally healthy, finally happy! But he’s still horribly sad….

Hot tears roll down Dan’s face and fall to the ground. His fingers dig into his skin, sinking into the supple flesh, leaving marks and bruises in their wake. He sobs uncontrollably as he pulls on his largest sweatpants in a futile attempt to hide the shape of his body. Dan sinks to the floor in desperation when the once oversized pants do little to hide the offensive shape of Dan’s Legs.

Dan’s breathing catches in his throat and his heart pounds in his chest as he tears at his stomach, raking his fingernails across his already irritated skin. Tumblr posts that compare his “curves” and “soft edges” to Phil’s thin physique and corners echo in his mind as sobs wrench themselves from his raw throat.

How could he ever feel comfortable being naked in front of someone else when he couldn’t even stand being naked on his own? How could anybody ever find him attractive? _How could Phil ever love him?_

The thought of Phil brings with it a new bought of tears. His heart physically hurts as his brain tortures him with images of Phil’s face twisted with disgust at the thought of being with Dan. Similar images bombard him every time he thinks about telling Phil how he has always felt, and so he has never breached the subject, instead he lets it fester beneath the surface.

 _Phil will never care about you the same way you feel about him, you worthless fat shit. How could you even think that he would?_ Dan’s mind screams and his head pounds until he can’t take it anymore. In desperation, Dan cries out, pushing his face into the carpet, and covering the floor in salty tears.

Dan immediacy regrets his outcry when he hears a crash from the lounge and the heavy footfalls of a running Phil. Within second Phil bursts through Dan’s door, coffee spilled on his pants and hair ruffled from jumping up so quickly. Immediately, Phil is crouched on the floor in front of Dan, his face filled with worry. Dan moves to hide himself and struggles to breath through the tears.

 “Dan? Dan look at me! Are you okay?” Phil grabs Dan’s hands as he tries to cover his shirtless body with his arms.  Phil looks down at Dan’s torso and his breath catches in his throat when he sees the red marks and scratches covering the pale skin of Dan’s stomach. “Oh, Dan…” Phil breaths so quietly Dan can barely hear it. Without hesitation, Phil wraps his arms around Dan’s shaking body and gently pulls the younger boy into his lap, brow furrowed together in confusion and fear.

“Look at me, Danny,” Phil pleads, running his shaking fingers through his best friend’s hair. Phil hates to see Dan like his and tears slip down his own face as he tries to piece together the broken man sat in his lap.

A heart wrenching sob escapes Dan’s chapped lips, and he stutters through the only explanation he can manage.

 “D-d-don’t l-look at me,” Dan croaks, tears stinging his raw eyes, “I’m t-too ugly.”

Phil sharply suck in air as he finally understands the scratches on Dan’s soft stomach and the pain in his friend’s eyes. Phil has always known that Dan is insecure about his body, but for the past couple of years Phil has thought that Dan has been doing better. Phil takes a few seconds of silence as he tries to wrap his head around the idea that Dan does not see himself as the beautiful, perfect man that Phil has always loved.

Phil knows that he can’t push Dan to talk more than he wants to, and so with gentle, but surprisingly strong arms, Phil silently lifts his best friend and moves him towards the bed.

Dan curls himself into a ball and winces as his stomach rolls over itself and the stinging scratches rub against each other.

“Let’s get you patched up, okay? I’ll be right back, don’t worry, I’ll only be gone for a second.”

Dan nods, aching as Phil’s body is detached from his own. He realizes how cold the flat is and he shivers, wishing that he had covered himself with a jumper.

Phil quickly returns with a damp washcloth and some ointment and gently rolls Dan onto his back. Dan starts to panic as Phil touches his stomach with the cloth and feels the fat covering Dan figure.

“Don’t,” Dan chokes out, “I don’t want you to feel it.” Phil’s eyebrows knit together in confusion

“Feel what?”

“My fat Phil!” Dan practically yells pushing himself away from his friend. Dan looks terrified as soon as he speaks and turns back to burrow his head in Phil’s chest.

“Your…. ohhh.” Phil should have recognized the signs: the depressed look in his eyes, the reappearance of the scale, the looser clothing, he was so blind! They had dealt with this before; they can do it again. First things first, Phil has to get Dan covered. Out of sight, out of mind does not exactly _work_ , but it’s the first step to calming Dan down for the immediate future. Phil whispers to the whimpering boy that he’s going to get a jumper, and kisses the top of his head without hesitation.

Dan starts when he feels Phil’s lips against his scalp, and he can’t find the energy to stop himself from wondering what it means. Phil doesn’t normally kiss him, so that’s something, but they are always strangely affectionate, so it probably means nothing. Dan reminds himself of his situation and tells himself that the kiss was _definitely_ not meant to be anything more than a friendly gesture meant to calm him down.

Before Dan can get into an internal argument with himself, Phil is holding him again and coaxing the largest jumper in the flat over his head. It happens to be his Christmas jumper: but he can’t be bothered to care.

“Talk to me, Bear,” Phil whispers, gazing lovingly at the lump on his lap. Dan covers his face in his sweater hands and Phil is struck by how cute the younger man is. Without thinking, Phil finds himself reaching forwards and stroking Dan’s hair out of his face. “You’re so beautiful…,” Phil breaths biting his tongue for being so careless, Dan is not ready for casual compliments yet.

As expected, Dan pulls away a pained look twisting his perfect features.

“Don’t. You. Say. That.” Dan growls. It’s too late now for Phil to back down, they’ve started this conversation, there is no going back.

"But you _are_ ,” Phil says trying to convey his emotion in his words and serious face.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better! I don’t want your pity Phil, its hard enough knowing that I’m not good enough for myself, I don’t need you to lie and say that I’m good enough for you.” Dan turns away anger filling his chest. How could Phil give him hope at a time like this? He hates himself for loving Phil; he hates himself for caring.

“Not good enough for me?!” Phil yells standing up from the bed and spinning around to face Dan, “How can you think that you aren’t good enough for me?!” Words are rushing out of Phil’s mouth before he can stop them. He’s pacing now, his voice slightly quieter “Do you think that a little extra weight is going to stop me from loving you?”

Phil spins around, processing the words that just came out of his mouth and claps a hand across his lips. Phil mentally kicks himself. He had imagined saying those words to Dan 1,000 times in hundreds of different ways, but never like that. Phil slowly lowers his hand and bites his lips, waiting for Dan to respond. Dan’s mind, however is racing, trying to make sense of Phil’s words. Seconds turn into minutes and the silence between the men grows more and more painful.

“Now…. Would be a good time to say something….” Phil chokes out, tears welling up in his eyes. Dan takes a shaky breath and tries not to let his voice crack.

“You’re wrong,” another breath, “you can’t love me, its not possible. There is nothing lovable about me.” The answer to all of Dan’s prayers is out in the open, but now that it’s realized, he is too scared to get his hopes up just to be shattered on the floor.

“Nothing lovable? Well that’s where you’re the one whose wrong.” Phil sinks to the floor until he’s kneeling in front of Dan who is still sitting on the bed. Phil stopped caring about hiding his feelings and only cared about getting that betrayed look off of Daniel’s perfect face. “ _Everything_ about you is lovable, nothing you can say will convince me otherwise. And if you don’t believe me, I’m just going to have to tell you everything that is wonderful about you until you agree with me.”

Dan tired to protest, but was quickly cut off as Phil started to ramble 

“ **I love** your chocolate eyes, the way the scrunch up when you laugh and the way they gleam when you are making fun of me. I like to think that I’m the only one who sees that look on your face. **I love** your smile, and the way your dimple changes the shape of your face until you shine like the sun. **I love** the way your voice sounds when your tired because I’m the only what who gets to hear it, and I feel honored to be the one you share your quite moments with.  **I love** your stupid chipped tooth, and the way your tongue pokes out of your teeth when you’re trying not to laugh.”

Dan is biting his lip to stop himself from crying at this point, but his tears are no longer filled with sadness. He finds himself reaching for Phil’s hand and holding it to his chest. But Phil wasn’t done.

“ **I love** when your trying to make small talk with a cabbie and I’m the only one who knows how much your suffering. **I love** when you blare music and dance like a fool through the kitchen and how somehow you look perfect wrapped up in a blanket in your browsing position. Did I mention that **I love** the way you fit perfectly in my arms even though your taller than me? And **I love** when you fall asleep with your head in my lap while watching anime despite telling me at least 10 times that you’re not tired. **I love** your sarcastic humor and **I love** how your only wear black because it contrasts the brightness of your personality. **I love** how gentle you are with children, and how caring you are when someone is hurting. You have the biggest heart in the world, and you feel things so much more deeply than anybody else. And I know that your feel pain deeper than other, but you also feel joy, and you had the greatest capacity for love of any person I have ever met.”

Both men are crying now, never wanting to let go of their clasped hands.

 “ _That’s_ why **I love you** , Daniel James Howell. _That’s_ why I **need** you and why I can’t live without you. And I couldn’t care less about a few extra pounds! They just makes you more huggable and cuter, and sexier, and every other positive adjective in the entire world. You deserve the world, and I know I can’t give that to you, but I will damn sure try. Because you are **_my_** world, Bear—“

“Shut up,” Dan breaths.

“What?”

“I said shut up, you spork,” Before Phil can react, Dan is leaning down and kissing him.  Dan’s still sat on the bed with Phil on the floor, its sloppy, wet from tears, and far to short, but yet, its perfect.

Dan leans his head against Phil’s forehead and shuts his eyes. They stay there for what feels like forever. Not kissing, but enjoying holding each other without fear or embarrassment.  At some point, Dan makes it down to the floor so that they are on the same level, and everything is perfect.

Finally, Dan breaks the silence “I don’t deserve you.” Phil pulls back so that he can look Dan straight in the face.

“Did you not listen to a word I just said? You deserve better than me! Or do you need me to keep listing….”

“No! No…” Dan stops Phil’s moving lips with his mouth and feels Phil grin against his lips. Everything was good. No, everything was perfect. 

Eventually the boys make their way into the lounge with tea, popcorn, blankets, and anime, and they quickly find their legs tangled around each other, but nothing like that matters anymore. They don’t even care when they miss half an episode and have to rewind ever 10 minutes. If they watch TV slower for the rest of their lives, they couldn’t care less.

Phil makes sure that he kisses every spot that Dan feels insecure, complimenting him as he goes, and he’s rewarded by a blushing Dan, giggling like a fool.

Phil is Dan’s, and Dan is Phil’s, and there is nothing that anyone can do about it.

As they slowly drift off to sleep, comforted by the warmth of the other’s arms, Dan kisses Phil’s head and whispers:

“Oh by the way, I love you too, Lion. Remind me to tell you why sometime”

“mmm,” Phil sleepily smiles.

One day, Dan will tell Phil everything lovable thing about him, and the list will be quite extensive. But there is no rush, they have all the time in the world. 

**FIN**


End file.
